Wednesday, October 15, 2014

This Bullshit Right Here | Ebola Racism

I don't have the time to rant about the level of utter assholery at play here. Those of you who know me well enough can make up your own profanity-filled prose on my behalf. Suffice it to say, people are fucking idiots. But, we always knew that. Read for yourselves:

Ebola Racism Reaches a New Low in Texas - The Daily Beast

And isn't the update priceless? The college claims some students were given "misinformation" about their applications? They didn't reject them cuz of the scary Ebola thingy, no. It's cuz they weren't Asian. Or some shit like that.

Whatever, dude. Fuck off.

Signed,

MiffedMonkey

Note From Editor: P.S. The college can't decide whether they have an "honor's program" or an "honors program". So, you know, consider the source (of contagious diseases like idiocy).



Monday, October 6, 2014

Worth The Wait?
A special TWIN PEAKS announcement


Plastic Was The New Black
If you're of a certain age and drenched in morbid curiosity with a topping of psycho, you, like me, drooled in anticipation for at least half an hour each week even before the first notes of that iconic theme song confidently caressed your ear, knowing you would suspend all innocent fantasy for the sexy reality of a dead girl in a plastic shroud on a frosty riverbed. You also probably spent an inordinate amount of time trying to twist cherry stems into knots with your tongue - but that's neither here nor there and possibly unrelated.

You had an imaginary confidante named Diane, who faithfully listened to all of your musings, observations, hypotheses and conclusions - this was before we had Twitter, of course. You understood the Log Lady's reticence was not due to a lack of intelligence but, indeed, quite the opposite. You even wondered if you, too, could manage to look chillingly hot in pale blue lipstick and a Medusa-esque hairdo but decided gluing glittery gravel to your cheeks wasn't worth the attention. But you did buy Laura's journal in paperback, didn't you? You totally did.

You were a cult member: Twin Peaks geeks unite.

Did Diane Win An Emmy?
You were ADDICTED. And not just to the idea of "damn good coffee". You were desperately in love with FBI Special Agent Cooper (Fox Mulder didn't even exist yet) and you despised David Lynch for every scripted sentence or scene designed to make Dale look dumb. Sure, you gave the biker boy a glance or two but, ultimately, Hurley didn't have the depth and darkness you really craved. He was too sweet. Too innocent. And Bobby Briggs was just too stupid.

Twin Peaks may have even guided your life choices. You decided cocaine and hooking didn't lead to good endings, even if you were the homecoming queen. Also, French Canadian men were no longer trustworthy. However, bobby socks and bowling shoes - those became acceptable because that's what good girls wore sometimes. And when you opted to be bad? You simply drew a provocative mole next to the corner of one heavily lined eye, beneath an eyebrow so arched, St. Louis bowed.

The foregoing being read, you may question, yet again, my overall sanity. It's cool. But know this, I will never, ever own a myna bird - they drop dime on you with no provocation whatsoever and end up getting shot to death.

Anyway, all I ask is for Dale to order up some malts and fries for us and let's do this. Our interest is piqued [some of you will get that]. But, 25 years? It better be worth the wait.

Signed,

Anxious Monkey

Note From The Editor(s): Are we the only ones who remember Agent Cooper had aged 25 years in the red velvet curtain room scene? Diane, take a memo ....




Saturday, October 4, 2014

Editor's Note: In Case You've Ever Wondered ...

... what it's like to live with The Monkeys who post on this blog? This ought to give you a rough idea:


Yeah. No sleep 'til EVER.

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